Relief no matter what!

I am done with the test for a moment. Singing in front of people does two things , 1. It makes me feel like I am obeying and dying all at the same moment, and 2. I  come out learning something. What did I learn tonight as I played in front of friends at Starbucks. Ummm? Well, I learned that my fear was unfounded. If only I could fear the Lord and not people. A pastor said once, " its not a question of if we will have fear, the question is where will you direct your fear?" Good Question!

I worried soo much about playing in front of skeptics from Nashville. When I arrived I found only supporters and good friends . Its amazing, if only we knew the future, we would not fear! Yes, I know we all know the Father of Time personally and yet that doesn't always set my mind at rest.

I don't mean to ramble, I just think it is comical that here I am on the other side of the test laughing at myself. How many times do we laugh when we reach the other side? Sometimes we don't laugh true, but we surely sigh deeply, feeling a little more connected to heavenly things.

Tonight, I am smiling because God knows about how I will do with the three concerts this weekend, and He is not worried. If He knows our future, and has more love for us than we have for ourselves, and He is not worried, why do we fear? I will ask myself this question many more times in my future.How 'bout you? 

Is it only a dream?

Is it only a dream?  I had  a series of dreams last night, one of which was about a baby. We were wanting to adopt , but there was some drama with the child; we were having difficulty. And in the dream I just loved this little one soo much. My love seemed to brim over in this dream.

I woke up reluctantly, not wanting to leave that moment of caring for someone soo much. The funny thing was it wasn't about me, the entire dream was about helping this child. I struggled to leave that dream because it felt soo right to love.

I have had one other dream about a child and it was the same deep love that I never think I possess. But love is our real Home and  yet we never admit to it. When I give in to love that is the person God created me to be.

Why are we afraid of love? Does Satan keep us from that other part of us because he knows how potent we might be?

I don't want to wake from the dream of love, it isn't something that need only be in a sleeping moment . The question is, when I die will it only be a dream? Will my dreams become my life? Are my dreams glimpses into the reality that will come? i hope...

Blown Away!

Yesterday was a simply superb day! I can't usually describe my day in that way but it was my reality yesterday.

Do you ever get those moments that just mean so much to you, and yet when you describe them to others they don't quite get it. Well that is about to happen; I  know that God gave me a gift that meant so much and I just feel like telling you about it.

It was a normal day for me, practicing guitar and doing random other things. Around four in the afternoon, me and Acacia started to practice (which is usually a disaster) but  it was really fun.We were creating new parts and laughing at ourselves. We started to jump to the next song when I  just begam to play a little ditty. Me and Cace just started singing, well, actually it was humming, but it was sooo awesome. There was no struggle involved, no real work, it just came to us.

I try to write music quite often; but most of the time I feel like I am forcing a square to be a circle. I know that some people write music out of their discipline, I respect that 100%. However,  I am not one of those folks that can work hard and see a song. Every time I write there is a message that gets on paper, and God doesn't allow me to just write whatever I feel. I guess He knows how much bad music would accumulate.

I felt the other night as I was trying to write once again, that God was going to have me write with Cace,  together. Well, I didn't know that meant the next day! He is soo awesome. I am actually getting excited about God. The things He does have such deep meaning. We are the only ones who understand what it all means because its personal.

 I am so glad that God is about our personals. How has He been personal with you today?

Little Boxes...part II

This will not be a long blog.

Yesterday I woke up feeling extremely better than the day before. As the day moved on night came and I was getting ready for bed. I had just downloaded all these sermons on my ipod.The mans name was Chip something and I love the way he preaches. He spoke about putting God in boxes. He said that we don't have images to bow down to physically anymore but that doesn't change the intentions of our heart.

The people in Israel couldn't handle not understanding their God, so they had Aaron make them a Golden Calf. No Gold stuff here, but do we differ from their mentality?

I realized as I listened that I have fallen into the trap of culture. Our culture makes God appear to be what we need Him to be. Almost like He was created for our pleasure.

How twisted it all has become. I assume that God will work out all of my problems but what if he doesn't? does that make Him any less God? I assume that if anything wrong happens that I have done something, or that I have to go through this in order to become more Godly. I always think that I have it figured out.

what hit me about what Chip was saying was this: God is not like us! He kept saying that and it hit me hard. I all of a sudden felt relieved and I got it. If He isn't like me that is a very good thing indeed. Do I want to understand? Do I need to understand?

What I need to know is that He isn't like me. He doesn't respond out of fear, He doesn't act out of Hate, He doesn't possess ignorance. He is all in all.

Maybe that doesn't strike you. But I personally needed to know that, because there is very little in my life that makes sense. Knowing that nothing takes Him by surprise is sheer rest. He holds all of us in His hand. Nothing is too big or small. Somehow knowing that my best friend is the creator of the universe puts peace inside my tiny world. How does that hit you?

Little Boxes...

I have no idea if any one will be passing by my little site. Quite honestly, I don't know how to really move around on xanga (been on myspace too long).

I must warn you that this is an abnormally long blog. The continuation will be posted on the next blog.

So, I got mad Wednesday. I was mad and hurt at God and life. I know we have these days where we understand nothing, and it freaks us out. The funny thing was I understood that I was not well in my mind ( which is more than nothing).

      I do music, and we have at least 3 concerts in the next wk. This is great news because we forget why we are in Nashville when we don't play. But as I said I was horribly wrong inside, that is all I could figure out. I was scared as child thinking about playing at Starbucks. I thought about the rejection that was undoubtedly coming my way. I thought about the music that I sing and how it doesn't "fit" that audience wanting their mochas and chill music.

I realized as I tried to practice with my sister (I couldn't because of the frustration) that I was worried about my own ego.Yes my ego is so delicately fragile, too ridiculous to even logically think about.

So that was going on inside, and I went to my guitar lesson feeling freakish my mom kindly going along to keep me company. On that note,  my mother has been going through some difficult health problems lately, and she has finally gone to some competent doctors. As I hung out with her after my lesson she got a phone call from her doctor telling her that she has some "growths" in her bladder. 

Of course I am the last person she should be with when she gets news like this. I try not to freak out, however the fear is doubling in my stomach. I always have had fears of my mother going through cancer, chemo,suffering, death. I know the news wasn't all that woeful but it could be, and my mind thrives on the could be's .

So it was a rough time, my mother is a strong woman full of God's spirit and just amazing. She took the news like a champ, just so thankful that they caught it at a small stage,she was THANKFUL! I didn't know what to say to someone so full of trust in God.

We got home rather late and she sat down to eat her simple meatloaf dinner. She again spoke of all the good things that she saw from the situation. I finally said what was really bubbling up inside me, "How do you know God is going to work it out, look at this ------ that happened God has not worked it out." She said, " hey, there are kids in Haiti who nobody  expects  to live past the age of 5. why do we think we automatically deserve long lives." I wanted to be her support, I wanted to let her know it was all going to work out, but really she already knew that.

I went to the computer< I had this desire to tell somebody about how I felt. As I thought about it I didn't have one person that I knew would be able to handle my sadness. I then wanted to send some sort of email to God. I really wish that we could do that on computers.:)  Instead I went to Jason Uptons site, a powerful worshiper who goes across the country bringing people to new places in God's presence. I watched a video on his site and I just couldn't stop crying. Jason kept singing " You are not alone..." I knew that God has so much more for my life than my fears speak of. I had a sense in that moment that God is just beginning something. Its an exciting feeling to know that He is up to something amazing with our broken selves!

If you read all of that then kudos to you. I figure if people care they can read.

That isn't the end of the story. the next half will be posted on the next blog.